Sorry for the delay in posting this morning. I wanted to wait until we visited Gaines and had something to report. When we got here this morning they had just checked his blood gases. They looked really out of whack but the doctor told us that they were adjusting his tube and that should fix it. She said that she didn't really believe the numbers because a baby doesn't usually have that drastic of a change and that they would recheck his gases in a few minutes. When they checked the gases again they were about the same so they decided to do an xray to see where his tube was. I think they are confident that fixing the tube will fix the gases. If not, they will escalate his care. Still, scary to me.
I think this is one of the roller coaster things people are always talking about. I know he is critical but as long as he remains stable I'm ok. Obviously we'd like for him to make progress but after those first 24 hours, stable is a word I'm happy with. Please pray that this is only a tube problem and nothing more.
I got a little upset earlier. This is just SO hard. I know that he is in great hands but it is so hard not to be able to care for your child when he needs it so desperately. I know this sounds crazy but, I was at his bedside looking at him and his hair looked so soft. I so badly wanted to touch it and for some reason I just started to cry. I have a baby that I can't even touch right now (they don't want to over stimulate him). There are no words to explain how hard that is. Put that on top of being away from my other child and everything else I know and it creates a sappy mess.
I'm thankful to be out of the hospital but its also hard. I'm completely lost in a city that isn't my home. PLUS, I am still recovering from having a baby 3 days ago and being on bed rest for 37 days. Everywhere we go here I have to walk and it's tough. The bottoms of my feet are so sore from not having walked on them in so long. My stamina is pretty good but I still get tired easily. This is just a physically and mentally exhausting experience.
I know I just had a pity party for myself and I'm sorry. I feel so guilty whenever I let myself get down. I know that God is going to get us through this. I really do...I trust Him. I just have to keep reminding myself that he's not going to do it according to my timeline or plan. If you can only fit one of us in, pray for Gaines but if you've got a little extra room on your list, I could use a few too.
I am so dang weepy today! I hate not being in control of my emotions and I am not even close today.
Ok...starting fresh...several people have asked about our new mailing address. I certainly don't expect anyone out there to send anything to us but one thing we have learned from this is to let people help. Right now I can't think of anything we need other than your prayers. Anything already sent to the hospital will be put by Gaines bedside. Anything new should go to the new address listed on the side of the blog. The Reese family lives in DC and has offered to be our official mail fairy since we are such vagabonds. Yesterday some one asked us to donate a dollar for the homeless. I wanted to tell him that we were the homeless.
Speaking of walking around here...this is a whole different world for this Alabama girl. We went to this Trader Joe's here yesterday for "groceries". Not quite what I expected. We were able to get the essentials but it stressed me out. I guess Sunday afternoon is a busy time to go but that place was packed. I constantly felt like I was in someones way. Also, I must be really out of date because .1 I took a list and 2. It wasn't on my blackberry.
Also, I've been kind of worried about my clothes. I don't really have much here for warm weather but apparently it doesn't really matter. You don't have to match and its probably better if you don't. Really I think we are just in a kind of trendy part of DC...very nice but lots of cutting edge college folks. I have always maintained that I am cooler than most of the general population (kidding of course) but I don't think I'm even hip enough to live here.
Ok, this is very long and I think I've psyched myself up enough to go back in the NICU. They asked me to leave for the xray and I've been kind of afraid to go back in. Scared of a bad report I guess. Plus I didn't have my act together enough not to cry because they were out of soap or something.
I'm back to being brave. Thanks for "listening" to my blubbering mess. I love you all for your prayers. Please remember Gaines' head ultrasound today. I've been not just praying but begging God for a good result.