I know it’s been a little while; I was informed on Friday that there had been no post for 8 days. We just had a busy week. Beau had after work things two nights and Gaines just didn’t really allow for much blogging time. He was in rare form last week. Thankfully he seems to be phasing out of whatever got into him but I tell you…he was rough. I wouldn’t blog at night because I was so physically, mentally and emotionally drained from him and I wasn’t really sure of what I might type about the little guy. I mean, I don’t know if I’m the only mother out there that feels this way and I probably shouldn’t admit it on the internet (or anywhere else) but there are times that I don’t really enjoy my children. Obviously I always love them and believe me I KNOW that I should appreciate them and just enjoy every little minute I have with them but sometimes it’s incredibly hard. That probably makes me an awful mother but it’s true.
I really struggled with that this week. I knew I wasn’t being the best mother and I felt guilty for not being more patient and loving with Gaines because you all know just how lucky we are to have him. I felt terrible for feeling the way I did but I couldn’t help it. I felt like maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a mother…I mean, a good mother is supposed to enjoy her children and sing songs to them in the bathtub and laugh and gently say “No, no” when they pull her hair for the eight thousandth time and carry her baby around on her hip just because he wants to be held and not get angry with them because they’ve just spit up (AGAIN!). Good mothers pat their child’s head and say “Poor baby, are you ok?” I get on here at times and I see all these happy blogs with the good mothers and happy children and I wonder if other people ever feel the same way.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m always frustrated with them because I’m certainly not. Most times I enjoy them but there are days (or a week) that are just hard. I’ve cut myself some slack because I’ve come to realize that I am a good mother. I love my children and would do anything necessary for them to be happy and healthy. And I know that it’s ok for me to have days that I don’t enjoy them all day long or need a break from them. They are precious and wonderful and bring so much happiness to my life but they aren’t always easy and I don’t think God intended for them to be. I can only figure that I’m supposed to be learning something from them on the days that I consider giving them away (that is a joke, please do not send child services to my house). My guess is patience. Why is that so hard to learn? There are days when I tell God, “Ok…I got it. I’ve been working on patience for over a year now…you can move on to someone else. Go ahead and “fix” my child so I can go about with my life.” I suspect He laughs at that.
This post has taken a whole different theme than I intended but once I started typing it just took on a life of its own. I REALLY hope that people reading this understand how much I love my children and that my brutal honesty here is appreciated and doesn’t make me out to be a monster of a mother. I’m not perfect and I’m STILL working on patience but I love my children and I love being a mother and raising my boys. Reed seems to have turned out ok so far (at the ripe old age of 2 ½) so maybe I’ll make it through this time with Gaines and he’ll end up alright too.
Other than my patience issues, everything else is going well at our house. Reed still cracks me up everyday and Gaines still gives the best hugs. Gaines is learning new words and picked up “ball” over the weekend. Still no walking but he seems to be getting stronger and if I get him just right, he can stand for 3-4 seconds which isn’t the goal but its better than he was doing 2 weeks ago. He also pushes around push toys but doesn’t walk on his own. I haven’t put out a prayer request in a while but I would really appreciate prayers for Gaines’ legs. I don’t feel a ton of pressure just yet for him to be walking but I do feel some and I know it will only get worse as the months go by. Please pray that his balance would get stronger and that he’ll be walking very soon. I know that his lungs will eventually get better but I don’t know for a fact about the walking so I’d really appreciate some peace on that issue.
I think that’s about it for now. I hope you appreciate the honesty.
Love to all,